A guide to they/them pronouns.
Calling someone 'they' or 'them' is a gender neutral way to refer to refer to them, as opposed to 'he' or 'she', which people often associate with men/boys or women/girls. When people first hear of someone using they/them pronouns, they sometimes think that it its all new or strange to them. They might be confused. But chances are, it's actually not that uncommon to use they/them as a singular pronoun. Chances are, they've actually already been using it without realising.
Why do people use they/them pronouns?
People use they/them pronouns for a variety of reasons, but often it's a form of gender expression. Perhaps they as non-binary. Maybe they're transgender. Maybe they're gender non-conforming. Or maybe they just feel more comfortable being referred to with a gender neutral pronoun.
You might also use they/them pronouns for someone else when you don't know what pronouns they use or what gender identify with. Let's take a look at an example of this.
How do you use they/them pronouns?
Yesterday I was riding my bicycle when a car turning left out of a side-street nearly ran straight into me. I don’t know what the driver was doing, maybe they were distracted or something, or I was in their blind spot, but clearly they didn’t see me. If I hadn’t slammed my brakes on, I would have ploughed into them for sure.
Look closely at the use of they, their and them. Notice how in this story, they're used to refer to one person, whose gender is not know.
But isn't 'they' plural?
When people here the word 'they', they often think someone is talking about two people. Sometimes people don't realise that this is not the only way we use this word.
In fact, using they/them/theirs in the singular as a non-gender specific pronoun is not only grammatically correct, it's fairly common in everyday speech.
Think about it. Chances are, without realising it, you’ve used they/them as a pronoun for someone before in a situation where you haven’t known the gender of the person you’re speaking about.
The image below demonstrates how.
GRAPHIC: “Who's calling you?” “I'm not sure. Their number's on private.”
What is a pronoun, anyway?
If you weren't a big fan of grammar when you were in school, you may be asking yourself what a pronoun actually is. A pronoun is a common part of grammar, where a word will be used in place of a noun (object word). The English language consists of subject pronouns (I, you, he, she, it, we, you, they), object pronouns (me, you, him, her, it, us, you, them) and possesive pronouns (mine, yours, his, hers, its, ours, yours, theirs).
In English, pronouns are often tied to gender expression and/or gender identity. Some people who identify as non-binary may like to use they/them pronouns.
BuT how WILL I know who you're talking about?
A question that people ask is “But how do I know if you’re referring to one person or two?”. The answer to this is really quite simple. We can figure it out from the context, by clarifying, or just be being a bit clearer with what we day.
It’s something that we already do everyday, because the pronoun you can also be either singular or plural. Instead of “Are you coming to dinner?”, you could ask a friend “Are you both coming to dinner?”, to make sure that your friend knows their partner is invited, too.
You could tell your coworker “They’re all running late today” instead of “They’re running late today”, to clarify that you are talking about a group of people, not just one.
Why we shouldn't challenge someone's pronouns.
We are already used to using pronouns in both singular and plural forms. And yet there are some people who feel the need to challenge the use of they as a singular pronoun.
Maybe they’ve never noticed people use it in the singular before. Perhaps they themselves tend to use "he or she". Or maybe, there’s something driving that resistance that warrants a closer inspection.
We’ve grown up in a binary world where everyone was assigned the label of ‘he’ or ‘she’, so I understand that it can take some getting used to.
When you’ve never met someone who’s gender diverse, the prospect of someone identifying as non-binary and using they/them pronouns can shake the very foundation of your world view. As humans, when this happens we have a tendency to resist.
So perhaps what’s driving the question of ‘Isn’t they plural?’ isn’t actually their concern with grammatical accuracy.
But, when it comes to pronouns, which are tied to identity, challenging someone's pronouns simply isn't acceptable.
Challenging someone's Pronouns = Challenging someone's identity.
For people who use they/them pronouns, the way in which people question their use can be very uncomfortable.
When you tell someone your pronouns and they respond with, “But isn’t ‘they’ plural?”, it feels like they're challenging your identity. It's kind of like if you said "It's actually 'she'" and they responded with "but isn't 'she' only for people who wear dresses?"
Sharing your pronouns can be a vulnerable thing for transgender and non-binary people. Often, when you do this you are essentially coming out to that person. So while the person questioning might simply be confused and talking about grammar, what the trans or non-binary person is likely hearing is that the other person doesn't accept them for who they are.
Hypothetically, let’s say you were actually right about the grammar, and they/them were only used in the plural. What would the purpose of questioning really be?
To insinuate that a person shouldn’t use those pronouns because they’re not grammatically correct? To reject a person’s identity because you’re not comfortable with the language?
Language is a tool for communication. It grows and changes based on our needs. The meanings of words can change. So even they/them/theirs wasn't grammatically correct, the kind thing to do is adapt, rather than resist.
What should you do when someone tells you their pronouns?
When someone shares their pronouns, don't question them. Questions help us learn and understand, but we need to be careful not to direct our questions towards those who already feel persecuted. In a situation like this, it's better to do your own research, save the question for those with the space to answer, or seek out education services like ours.
For someone who is gender diverse, sharing your pronouns is scary enough, without also having to defend them. The non-binary person in your life is not the one responsible for educating you on all things related to their existence. Chances are, they’ve got enough to deal with.
Instead, when someone shares that they use they/them pronouns, thank them for letting you know, and share your own pronouns in return. And if you want to learn more about how to make gender diverse people feel safe and supported, check out our online PD for teachers: Beyond a Binary Classroom.
Let’s Talk About X offers consent and LGBTIQA+ inclusion training for schools and workplaces.
Mel uses they/them pronouns. Eleonora's pronouns are she/they.